Are you back navigating through your favorite supermarket (or whatever the proper terminology is these days)?

Come to think of it, how far back was it when food emporiums introduced entire aisles devoted to water? I’m not talking about the water fountain at the back of the store, but the multitudinous H2O choices you have to deal with while rolling through your favorite food store in search of agua.

Hmm, let’s see, I just want some boring bottled water. No, I don’t have a Ph.D. in hydration marketing. This is way more complicated than calling out customized caffeine at your favorite java joint. How does one make a choice of wetting their whistles without seeming out of step with the coolness factor?

The Aisle of Waters

Sparkling Ice water

Coconut water

Bai 5 with antioxidant infusions

Vitamin Water Zero

Sonic

Propel

Bliss Neuro

SoBe

Vita Coco

Refresher

Fiji

Fiuggi

Evian

Icelandic. Was it really bottled in Reykjavik?

Hawaiian. Which Island?

Glaceau Smart. Is there dumb water?

Essentia. Where’s the “l”?

Alakazite Energy water. What’s an “Alakazite”?

Aquafina. Isn’t she an actress?

Arrowhead

Crystal Geyser

Dasani

Deer Park

Nestle Pure Life

Ozarka

Propel

Pellegrino

Polar. Which pole?

Vittel

Voss

Can I just get a glass of water from the tap? What type of tap? Is it filtered?

Oh, one other environmental point. How many of these plastic bottles have now become islands in the stream and oceans with a half-life of several centuries?

Does anyone drink from a hose these days?

Andy Dolich is a Los Altos resident and owner of the sports consultancy Dolich & Associates.