Athos, Porthos and Aramis are completely confused, and so is d’Artagnan. They have followed COVID protocols but are now having a really hard time differentiating the New Normal from the New Different. Is that light at the end of the woods, or are they working their way out of the tunnel?

Sacrebleu!

Athos was Pfizered, Porthos took two in his nonfencing arm from Moderna and Aramis was stuck with the single dose of J&J. D’Artagnan is a hard-line anti-vaxxer taking the position that his Musketeer’s sword is mightier than any vaccine.

Athos asked Porthos whether it was herd immunity or herd insanity. Why should the Three Masketeers and their friend be confused just because the federal, state, city, county and town rule makers are all on different pages?

The health department, national retail chains, local merchants, all forms of public transport, airlines and their favorite cafes have different rules for donning of their brightly colored masks. Does “CDC” now stand for “Completely Different Comprehension”?

Do the Three Swashbucklers have to show their vaccine passports if they are on the road protecting King Louis XIII?

Do we all need to have some sort of tattoo, decal, sign, digital watch, hat or clothing item that has the official global vaccination logo: “I Got My Two, How About You?”

Unvaccinated Los Altans are advised to still wear face masks in crowded public settings and at small indoor and outdoor gatherings like a Concours d’Elegance in their backyard.

This all may be a moot point in the coming weeks with the revelation that we are not alone. “60 Minutes” recently ran a piece identifying the fact that our military can’t identify stuff flying around our friendly skies. Do you think ETs wear masks for intergalactic trips?

Will the Three Masketeers and d’Artagnan be there to protect us from the Variants from Venus?

Andy Dolich operates Dolich & Associates, a sports consultancy based in Los Altos.