Every sport is distinguished by its own dialect, jargon and insider language when it comes to explaining the complex nature of what individual players do.
With footballs flying through the air from Pop Warner to the NFL, it’s time to review what we will be hearing when players, coaches, broadcasters, athletic directors, general managers, owners and the media start searching for the best way to answer the inane questions during the upcoming season.
• “We really competed.” That’s nice. What were you supposed to do, take a nap?
• “He is a ‘high motor’ guy.” We have to change his oil at halftime.
• “He is an amazing downhill runner.” Too bad all the fields we play on are flat.
• “Games are decided by turnovers.” Betty Crocker just joined our football operations staff.
• “He took that one to the house.” We would have preferred the end zone.
• “He really works at his craft.” You should see his homemade furniture and paintings.
• “You can’t measure heart.” Actually, you can with an EKG, ECG and angiograms.
• “This could be his breakout season.” His acne is totally out of control.
• “His mechanics are screwed up.” That’s what happens when you have 11 high-performance imported cars sitting in your garage.
• “He needs to take it to the next level.” Parking on the first three floors of the team’s facility is full.
• “He has to let the game come to him.” Elk, buffalo, deer and an occasional wild turkey visit his house with regularity.
• “He tweaked something.” We have team rules about that, and he may be fined.
• “He’s a shutdown corner.” It’s the rest of the neighborhood he has trouble with.
• “This is a statement game.” We will be checking our deposits and withdrawals with our bank to make sure they balance.
• “He’s like another coach on the field.” We’d like him on the bench where he belongs.
• “It’s a trap game.” We found mice, rats, raccoons and an overweight possum.
Andy Dolich is a Los Altos resident and owner of the sports consultancy Dolich & Associates.