Satire: Virtual Institute announces Zoom rehab facility with DOZE

The Virtual Institute, which focuses on humanistic alternative communication engagement, is partnering with leading mental health, communication and fashion leaders to open DOZE (Deprogramming Obsessive Zoom Enthusiasts). The rehabilitation facility is slated to open soon.

The facility will be located on the Virtual Institute’s campus in Paradise, Ariz. The state-of- the-art building will be constructed to block out any and all forms of digital communication other than the human voice delivered by the human staff.

According to DOZE Executive Director Dr. Marconi Edison, “Millions of Zoom addicts have shown significant degradation of personal communication skills. Our research uncovered that the Endo-Corona Age of Virtual-Digital Communication (Virdico) has morphed into a sociological malady which we are calling WTF (What’s The Focus?). We will be offering a number of human-to-human de-Zooming protocols in self-help sessions, workshops and role-playing scenarios.”

I have some questions:

What’s a virtual background and why couldn’t I figure it out? Why does IT keep calling me?

Who are all these new faces on my screen and where did they come from? Why was my meeting allotted only 40 minutes?

Zoom-bombing has changed my life – why was I always muted?

Can I return to my day job wearing pajamas, flip-flops and fuzzy house slippers?

Why is there is no crying on Zoom?

What do I tell my family and friends who are hearing voices from my room in the middle of the night?

How did Zoom take on the characteristics of the Sinaloa Cartel? If I were terminated over Zoom, do I still get my severance?

I had no idea my Zoom sessions were being monitored – can my pets join in during a business meeting?

When is it my turn to talk?

Where is the VIP Zoom Room?

Can I Zoom while driving? Can I get a ZWD?

How do I deal with FTR (Failure to Reply) when I send a meeting invitation?

The initial cohort will be highly selective. Those interested in finding out more information on DOZE and its full suite of services can visit the website at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

Andy Dolich operates Dolich & Associates, a sports consultancy in Los Altos.

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