Silicon Folly: Car chronicles

Car commercials, automobile ads, sellathons and four-wheeled dream machines are cramming the airwaves these days with heaps of happy families on the road to nowhere. The avalanche of extras in these new mechanical magic carpets include everything from advanced autonomics to zero-interest payments until 2029.

What have you seen from any of these big-spending manufacturers that is truly imaginative? Don’t even begin to tell me about Matthew McConaughey ice fishing from the comfort of his Lincoln Lapland.

During recent recons rounding Los Altos land, I happened upon a group of angled autos parked on Main Street. If I were a marketing maven for these sellers of steel, I’d take into account what today’s vehicles are actually being used for. Didn’t take me long to realize that our four-wheelers may be just as multifunctional as that Swiss Army knife in your glove compartment.

• Driving and Dining. I can munch in my cozy cruiser for breakfast, lunch or dinner now that I can only take out to eat in or eat in before I take out.

• Spa, aka SUV. Have you seen the spot where the mom sees her kids going bonkers in the house and quickly retires to the quietude of her SUV?

• Waiting Room. I don’t know what I’m waiting for, but at least it’s silent in my sedan.

• Mobile Library. I’m catching up on all the books I never had time to read in the comfort of my Lexus Library.

• Time Machine. Does anyone know what day it is or what time the last Zoom meeting was supposed to start?

• Mask Oasis. I can de-mask behind my steering wheel and no one pays me any mind.

• Watch That Door! When angled into a space and exiting your vehicle, look both ways. You can’t see through the tinted windows of the car in the next space, so you might take a door to the danger zone.

• Just Cruisin’. I don’t know where I’m headed, because the office is closed. I’ll just pull in here and take a nap.

• “I’ve Got No Choice!” What a raging Bob De Niro would say if all the parking spots were taken.

• Social Distancing. There is none in my car. It’s just me.

• Music Studio. Yes, that’s me rehearsing lyrics and dance moves for an upcoming Corden Carpool Karaoke.

• Extra Car Credit. I’m no gearhead, but there are some incredible automobiles cruising the streets of Los Altos. You get extra credit if you spot any of these during the next week: Bentley SUV, Lamborghini SUV, Maybach Exelero, Shelby Cobra, Ferrari Testarossa, McLaren, Rolls-Royce Sweptail or Aston Martin Vulcan. The winner will receive a framed full-color photo of a Yugo.

Andy Dolich operates Dolich & Associates, a sports consultancy in Los Altos.

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