Commerce in the restroom: The Villaj Idiut

You know what I thoroughly enjoy?

I really, really love when I go to a restaurant, and then I get up to go to the restroom and there is a guy in there “working” – which is to say, doling out hand towels, selling Tic Tacs and offering up some hair spray or mouthwash in exchange for a tip.

Sure, I know that most people find it kind of creepy that there’s a fellow there just watching you stand at the urinal. I get that it makes most people uncomfortable.

But not me. I love it. I feel like it’s “upscale,” the chance to buy some high-priced “product” from someone who is obviously an expert at his craft.

If he wasn’t so devoted, why else would he be standing in a public restroom hawking his wares? I appreciate that dedication, I really do.

I understand that most people would rather walk straight past the dude holding out the towel, ignoring him so that they don’t have to tip him, and then walk straight back to their tables.

I sort of empathize with that mentality. I mean, listen, the average person probably goes to the restroom, say, seven times a day. (Unless you’re my wife, who drinks so much water that she almost single-handedly put us in the drought and knows her way around the restroom like she works for Roto-Rooter.) But for the average person, that’s 49 times a week you reach for the water and a towel and wipe off your hands for free.

Now, on Saturday night, you have to give some schmo a $1 tip for handing you the towel that is sitting right there?

Drives some people crazy. Easier to avoid him altogether.

Not me. I like to walk right up to this thespian of grooming and engage him in a meaningful conversation about his day – get the in-depth knowledge about the most interesting restroom habits he has seen. Scintillating, really. The guy has some war stories, let me tell you.

In fact, I really like to dig down on why he is selling such a huge variety of goods right there on his little restroom counter.

I’d like to know, but I can’t figure out, why you can go to a Walgreens and can’t find a restroom, but you can go to a restroom and find a Walgreens. Baffling. (Even more baffling is why the “W” in Walgreens and the “W” in Washington Nationals’ logo are the exact same.)

You know how women tend to go to the restroom together? I’ve always been secretly jealous that I don’t have a restroom pal like that. But now, with this guy in the restroom, I’ve got a built-in restroom buddy.

I find it unimaginable that there is a major fight in North Carolina about the use of restrooms. So let me get this straight: We’re worried about a transgender person using a restroom, but it’s OK for any old restroom attendant to stand duty behind you?

I say, let everybody in there. At this point, what does it matter? I’m pretty sure these restaurants are not doing a lot of screening for their restroom employees.

And, hey, we’re just trying to conduct a little commerce.

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