By Jean A. Hollands

This is the third in a series of columns detailing reaction to the book I wrote with my daughter Laura Hollands-Steck, “Approachability: The Key to Influence” (Hollands/Steck, 2005). In my previous column, a senior technical fellow and officer of a company lamented his mistake in not being open with others. This week, that same employee shares the benefits he gleaned from the book, including his behavioral changes, his new lease on life and new career possibilities.

He said: “In conflict situations, I would usually blare out or flame out. Then I would retreat. After that, I could barely bring myself to make eye contact or any contact at all. This resulted in behavior on my colleagues’ part to exclude me on discussions that were obviously essential to my technical knowledge and projects.

“I had to give up my own selfish permission to let my temper or despair color my interactions. I had to learn to apologize if I slipped and then to get right back in there with repair words, like, ‘I’m sorry I brought us to this moment.’

“I have learned the tricks, but also the truth, of being approachable.

• I smile more.

• I look interested.

• I show caring when I can.

• I show that I am curious.

• I show that I am warm and real.

• I notice the reactions in others.

“I have learned that not everything has to be fixed today. Sometimes it takes others longer to understand a concept or an action than it does for me. I can wait. I don’t have to believe that everyone else understands as quickly as I can. I was being ignored because it was not pleasant to deal with me. I sounded cold, impatient and judgmental. Not much fun to be around. It’s getting easier. And I am getting some cooperation.”

Jean A. Hollands, M.S., is founder and chairwoman of the Growth and Leadership Center in Mountain View. For more information, call 966-1144 or visit www.glcweb.com.