What does it mean to have an in-law? Sounds simple, right? People who become part of one’s family through marriage become in-laws. It is not, however, so simple in today’s social atmosphere. Some in-laws become part of one’s extended family. Others are people we rarely see or even think about.

Growing up in a large family on my mother’s side made choice easy - there was no choice. In most cases, aunts and uncles become an essential part of a family. Not until I was grown up did I think about the difference between those who married into our clan and those who were born a part of it. As a child, I made judgments about relatives according to who was nicest to me, paid real attention to me or gave me lovely birthday presents. Children are like that.

My mother’s three closest sisters became my beloved aunts. To them, I was schandel (pretty one), Mary’s daughter. Two aunts, also born to the clan, were mysteries to me. I knew one to be gaudy and rich, the other to be somewhat on the wild side, believing in gambling and loving gypsies. Another aunt, my mother’s favorite, was rich, lived away from the clan, gave me many expensive gifts, but seemed to be buying my love. Mother said, “Don’t forget to kiss Uncle Sam” (the uncle who was only an in-law). Another thing kids know: You can’t buy love. I faked it, sorry to say. This aunt showed me a world I didn’t know, its beauty, its luxury, but also its loneliness. She died alone and disinherited most of the family. I felt sorry for her, but I was sorrier for my mother, who lost her oldest sister, the one who brought her to this country.

Of the uncles, one made it to the top as the most adored in the family, always funny, always playful and very human. As he grew older, he attempted to write poetry, nothing that any child couldn’t do. His emotions, however, were genuine and loving. When he died, the grief among the aunts, uncles and children was also genuine and loving. I can see him still, chasing after my first little son at the airport when we visited New York again, the baby laughing and delighted to receive such a welcome.

Some uncles and their wives lived quite far away and had very little impact on my life. Yet they were important enough for three of the closest sisters, including my mother, to travel to Baltimore to see their brother and his wife. She, too, was more in-law than family. Another brother developed tuberculosis, moved to Los Angeles and had to give up his son and his first wife, who was never family.

Yet another brother who lived in the Bronx, not far from my home, was definitely family, and so was his wife. I remember enjoying her outgoing personality and being treated to many of her thoughts about family and the world. She was most decidedly an aunt, and her two daughters who live in Southern California are dear to me so many years later.

My mother’s baby sister, the youngest of the six, became my favorite member of the extended family. As the youngest aunt, she was more fun to be with, the one who welcomed me to her home as a teenager, though she lived in Brooklyn, which seemed like a million miles away. My dear aunt’s husband was too young to be my “uncle” in my mind. I was shy in his presence but accepted him as a talented man very much part of the family, as are his daughter and son.

We remained one big family with my grandma at the center, until I married and started my own family here in California. There are two sisters-in-law from my first marriage who have drifted away because of many changes in all our lives. There are in-laws from my marriage to Howard, and while I don’t know them as I knew my mother’s clan, I feel lucky to have more family in my life.