By Kerri Havnen Gordon
At a kids’ soccer game last weekend, one of the dads told a story about the secret to a co-worker’s successful 20-year marriage. The colleague said, “Well, when my wife and I were first married, we decided that I would make all the major decisions, and she would make all the minor decisions. In all these years, there have been no major decisions.” At this all the husbands laughed and so did the wives who were within earshot.
My husband then shared the message written on a favorite T-shirt, worn by an extremely kind-hearted therapist friend who has been happily married to his wife for two decades. The T-shirt says, “If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?” And the resounding answer among the men and women gathered at that soccer game was, “Yes!”
It took every ounce of willpower I had to keep quiet, as my husband had slightly mangled the quote, but I couldn’t very well prove him wrong just then. But when the T-shirt quote came up in conversation with the same group at the next day’s soccer game, I couldn’t resist proving the sentiment true by saying my husband had actually botched the quote. Laughs all around.
That husbands and wives can laugh about such things speaks to how a sense of humor goes a long way in navigating marriages. Early in our marriage, my husband used to drive me batty by waiting a tad too long to hit the accelerator after a light turned green. He once defined an instant as “the length of time between when the light turns green and my wife says, ‘Go!’”
After 20-plus years I think his reflexes are slowing down, and I swear the wait is now four full, long, interminable instants. He also waits so long when he has the right of way at a four-way stop sign that the other drivers, having given up on him, move into the intersection just when he finally, finally begins to do the same. It’s just plain wrong, the way he handles those intersections. Too much hesitation. Too much light tapping of the brakes and motioning for the other person to go. Laughter is the best response, but when it’s truly annoying, I zip my lip.
Hate to say it, but it’s not just the stop signs. He often picks the “wrong” route and the “wrong” row in a crowded parking lot. What’s more, he fails to accelerate quickly onto the freeway and doesn’t always reach the speed limit on surface streets. I find myself anxiously looking at the speedometer when we are in a hurry, and I try very hard to be patient.
Lately I’ve “offered” to drive when we are running late, so I don’t go bonkers in the passenger seat. I figure he can drive home since I won’t care how long that takes. It’s the charitable thing to do, keeping him from being wrong yet again.
To be fair, he doesn’t always like my driving either. He thinks I follow cars too closely in the rain. So I drive when we’re in a hurry, and he drives when it’s raining. It gets dicey when we are both in a hurry and it’s raining, but we won’t get into that.
Given how interesting marital dynamics are, it is no wonder that the “If a man speaks in a forest” T-shirt is so funny. But is it funny because husbands are actually wrong or because their wives just think they are? Guess it depends on whom you ask.
