By Judith S. Duque, LMFT

Q: Why is it that everything I say to my teenage daughter is perceived by her to be a criticism? I am only expressing my concern about her appearance when I say, “Are you going out dressed like that?” It seems to me that I would sound critical if I said, “Your stomach hanging over your belt is not a pretty sight.”

A: I agree with you that your last observation could easily start World War III in mother-daughter communication. However, the first question, “Are you going out dressed like that?” has an equally inflammatory effect. The question hides a subtext, which your daughter feels is criticism and your sneaky way of saying, “I don’t approve of the way you are dressed.”

It looks as if a fresh approach is needed if you want to let her know what you think about her outfit without making her defensive.

KEY: Give some serious thought to how you really feel about her dress or lack thereof. If you’re embarrassed, admit it to yourself and keep it to yourself, because it’s your problem, not hers. Obviously, she’s not embarrassed.

KEY: If you’re concerned about her safety and the message she’s sending, then ask yourself, “What do I want to say to her?” You could say something like, “When you go out dressed like that, I worry about what the boys will think, because boys don’t look at your belly button as a fashion statement - they think “naked skin.”

KEY: Talking about appearance, clothing and body image is tricky territory at any age, especially in the teen years.

KEY: Mothers talk in subtexts to avoid confrontations, but kids hear the message louder than the spoken word.

KEY: If you’ve established a “verbal dance” with your daughter where you say one thing but really mean something else, I recommend reconnecting your brain to your mouth so that you can speak honestly. You might as well opt for telling the truth, even though you end up in a fight, because this fight won’t be any worse than the others, and you will have the satisfaction of speaking honestly, not deviously.

KEY: Hair, clothing and weight are the Big Three that mothers and daughters critique, according to Deborah Tannen in her book, “You’re Wearing THAT?” (Random House, 2006).

Judy Duque is a licensed Marriage, Family Therapist practicing in Mountain View.

She can be reached at 941-1000 or at jsduque-@mac.com