By Jean Hollands

“He’s the meanest man on earth, and I will never forgive him.” That phrase is poison for the declarer, and the meanest man may not even know what you are talking about.

“I told her off and I got my point across, even though it happened at a staff meeting.” This may ultimately be a deadly mistake.

“He was late for the last time. I will never use him again.” Never is a very long time.

“Working for her was the worst nightmare. I told her so as I walked out the door.” I hope you aren’t surprised one day by having to report to this woman again.

Burning bridges often comes back to bite you when you least expect it. Too many employees end up with the same boss later. Too many friends end up living on the same street. Too many parents find the same teacher now teaching another child. Too many folks say good-bye when it may be too early for the departure.

Why do folks burn bridges when they don’t really have to?

1. With self-righteous indignation, you may believe that it’s up to you to put the other person in his/her place.

2. You believe that no one else will do it.

3. You are sure you are right.

4. You know the other’s point of view is skewed.

5. You don’t mind putting yourself in a vulnerable position.

6. You think the act is worth it.

7. You just had to get it off your chest.

8. You are sure no one else has the guts to raise the issue.

9. You are not worrying about repercussions.

10. The catharsis is worth it.

11. You don’t care about the consequences.

12. You want to see the other person squirm, feel danger, be ashamed or be humiliated.

Oh, I know that sometimes the exposure is a valid statement. You do have to set limits. You do have to be honest. Sometimes you do have to call the injustice or name the problem. I am reminding you to evaluate the consequences. Will you ever need to be on a staff, a committee or a task with this person again? Have you looked at his or her side of the dilemma? Have you rationalized why the predicament occurred?

Instead of the confrontation, sometimes it is more expedient and more prudent to try the following:

“John, we are having a difficult relationship lately. Can I give you my point of view, and then I certainly want to hear yours.”

Or: “Sally, I am feeling very angry. It may not be justified and I don’t want to break up our team, so I would like to have a heart-to-heart talk.”

“Harry, you know we have not been in sync for a long time. Would you be willing to talk about our differences and see if we can find a more peaceful coexistence?”

By the way, if you are willing to try one of these approaches, don’t be disappointed if you don’t get the appropriate reaction you want immediately. It may take several times to get to a positive closure. You probably have that time, too, so try again. It may save you a very big, embarrassing, frustrating, irritating, humiliating headache later.