By Judith S. Duque
Q: How do I prepare my children for their father’s death?
We have been living with his cancer for several years, so it’s not as if we’re unprepared, except that we are unprepared … for a life without him. Our children are adults with children of their own, so any help for all generations would be appreciated.
A: From my own experiences, personally and professionally, no matter how prepared, there really is no preparation for the magnitude of the reality of not having someone you love around. However, knowing what to expect as your loved one is dying is helpful. Barbara Karnes, RN, has written a down-to-earth 14-page booklet about what to look for when someone is dying. “Gone from My Sight” talks about the act and process of dying as uniquely personal for everyone involved in the experience. Her outline, which follows, of what signs to expect is to be viewed with great flexibility.
KEY: The changes to be aware of usually occur from one to three months before death. The withdrawal from the world is the one that friends and family are first aware of. First, the dying person loses interest in global affairs; TV and radio news hold no interest. That is followed by not wanting friends and, later, relatives to stop by. Telling a loved one that he cannot visit often causes hurt feelings. It is important for the relatives and friends to not let the hurt feelings become personal.
Dying takes time to prepare to pass from this world into the next, and visitors deplete energy necessary for the dying person to process his life. As the person sleeps more and more, there is important work going on inside; the inside work is necessary and needs no one from the outside. However, touch and (wordless) company remain important.
KEY: Food takes on a different importance. As the body shuts down, it needs less and less food. The energy food provided for the body is replaced by a spiritual energy.
KEY: One to two weeks before death a disorientation can take place where the person has one foot in each world. Talking to people from the past or rehashing old quarrels may occur. Physical changes happen, such as a lowered blood pressure, fluctuating body temperature, changes in skin coloring and breathing.
KEY: One to two days before death the person may have a surge of energy that precedes an intensification of the signs seen in the one- to two-week period.
KEY: Hospice is a fantastic resource for a family in this kind of distress. Like the preceding facts, hospice caregivers bring an order to a very emotionally charged time. These wonderful people show loved ones how to fully engage in this often frightening but very mysterious and spiritual experience.
KEY: Depending on their ages and what is appropriate to share with them, your grandchildren can be educated about the physical aspects of dying as you hold them, touch them and walk and talk this time through with them.
KEY: When death is viewed as a natural sequence in life, the sadness is tempered with feelings of love and gratitude for having been a part of the person’s life.
Judy Duque is a licensed Marriage, Family Therapist practicing in Mountain View. She can be reached at 941-1000 or at jsduque-@mac.com.
