By Judith S. Duque, LMFT
 Judy Duque is a licensed marriage, family and child counselor. She may be reached at jsduque@pacbell.net |
Q: We have two children, ages 9 and 13, who are very different in temperament and interests. The older child is focused, energetic, interested in everything and a great student. The nine-year-old has a few interests that are very solitary; also, he has few friends and low grades. Two concerns come to mind: Is there cause for alarm with the disparity between the two? Is there going to be a lasting negative effect on our second because the older sibling appears to have such “star power” right now?
A: When there is a disparity between siblings, the only cause for alarm occurs when a parent holds one child up as “the goal” for the other. We’re all familiar with the phrases “If you’d only do as well as your brother/sister” and “How come your (sibling) always gets As and Bs and you don’t?” Comparisons are not only odious and unloving, but they can result in that lasting negative effect you asked about with regard to child No. 2.
“Star power,” as you named it, is an elusive quality that is often mercurial and short-lived. Think back on your own high school days. How many of the so-called stars are stars today? Many peaked during that time, never to be heard from again. That said, don’t think your now-star will peak in the sixth grade and that the younger sibling will be the tortoise in the family race and win. You can have two “stars” if you encourage as opposed to nag or berate. Studies are showing that persistence and passion are necessary ingredients for successful lives. Genes, in the form of high IQs, are like graduating from Stanford. High IQs and a Stanford diploma only get you in the door; afterward, you have to prove yourself in order to stay.
KEY: Are you aware that most families have to deal with their children as individuals? The best part of your parental concern is that you recognize there are differences between your children. This is a crucial concept for you and all parents to grasp because understanding individual differences allows parents to nourish and encourage each child according to his or her specific talents and needs.
KEY: When a child feels loved and respected for his own achievements, be they a knowledge of San Francisco’s transit lines or hitting a homerun in Little League, the child has a positive relationship with himself or herself.
KEY: “Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.” - President Calvin Coolidge
KEY: Relish the differences! Your dinnertable discussions will be richer for the individual interests.
