By Judith S. Duque

Q: I’m a mother of three: a 10-year-old girl and seven-year-old twin boys. When I was nine, my mother left the family to “find herself.” My siblings and I lived with our dad when mother moved out of state. Although she had little to do with our life, our father encouraged us to keep in touch.

What’s come up for me in the last year are these out-of-nowhere flare-ups of anger at the thought that a mother could leave such a young child! What scares me is that these flare-ups have been directed at my daughter, who is not doing anything out-of-the ordinary for being a 10-year-old girl.

Can my mother’s leaving me be fueling my angry emotions, and why is my daughter the target?

A: Studies show that adults who undergo a trauma at a pivotal point in their childhood often re-experience the trauma emotionally when their own child hits the same age. More simply put, within your own experience a child (you) whose parent abandons her (as your mother did you) would respond to such a traumatic situation with fear, doubt (was it my fault?) and anger.

These feelings at the time might have been heard by a caring adult who would respond with a thundering, “It was not your fault, and it’s OK to be angry.” However, if the feelings were not dealt with at the time, they were buried.

KEY: The child in the above situation grows to be an adult and to understand in her head why mother left, but her heart and psyche are still wounded. As a child, the anger at mother probably was buried in all the chaos of dealing with a new lifestyle - one without a mom.

KEY: Children don’t know how to deal with such a deep issue as “mom needs to find herself.” Their thinking wraps around a simple concept: A mom is supposed to be at home with her children.

Think about unresolved anger toward your mother. Emotions need expression. If you were not able to express yours then, the significance of your outbursts coinciding with your daughter’s tenth year is something to look at.

KEY: If a child isn’t able to express anger, it simmers until something or someone triggers the incident; in this case, having a daughter the same age you were when you were left. All right, this sounds, and it is, complicated - far too complicated to resolve in 500 words or less. The point of the answer is to get you thinking, because the trauma of your childhood must not be passed on to your child in its new form. If you decide you are taking your anger out on her because she’s triggered something in you, she’s the wrong target. Your mother is your target, not your child.

KEY: Misdirected anger is a very common thing in our society. For you, this would be a good time to seek a professional to help you sort out what is causing the angry outbursts.

Judith S. Duque is a licensed marriage, family and child counselor in private practice in Mountain View. She teaches parenting and works with people who have relationship issues. Judy welcomes questions. Call her at 568-7955.