By David MacKenzie
A reader wrote asking for advice on whether he should bid on the following property offered for sale in a recent copy of this newspaper: “Los Altos Hills. To be built! A fabulous opportunity to build on 2.5 acres that are surrounded by majestic oaks. The proposed home will have approximately 9,500 square feet of living space including 5 bedrooms/3+ baths, living room w/stone fireplace, formal dining room, stunning chef’s kitchen, family room w/fireplace & entertainment center; billiard/exercise room, sauna, 8-person sunken spa, wine cellar, 6-car garage.”
I must warn the reader this question should be asked of a financial planner, which I am not. My expertise is handicapping which horses will cross the finish line. And in what order. However, I’m always ready to help out a fellow human being with a decision to make. This trait of mine is one of many that have endeared me to so many common folk.
To help in my assignment, I hired a private eye to snoop out the reader’s background.
The highlights of this investigation follow: The reader is married, with one son who graduated from college more than two years ago before finally landing a job at Wal-Mart. He looks forward to Bush being able to privatize part of his retirement fund.
He plans to invest some in Krispy Kreme Doughnuts stock and the rest in lottery tickets in case the stock market tanks. His father drives a 1999 Subaru, low mileage, one worn tire. His investments are mainly in Bolivian lead mines. He once lost a case in small claims court when he sued Goodwill for price gouging. His wife is required to pay cash to her hairdresser after some financial dispute.
This may all make sense to Warren Buffett, who has a knack for making the right financial decisions. How I wish it were that easy.
However, I do have some suggestions for the reader to come up with somewhere around the $100,000 in property taxes needed each year. How? By making the estate a money-making venue. For example, plant grapes. Buy ducks to keep down the weeds, then sell the fattened free-range birds to a Chinese restaurant. The unused bedrooms can be rented out. Same for the garage spaces to store neighbors’ motor homes, sailboats or racing cars. Since they have 3.5 baths, the eight-person sunken spa is unnecessary for personal hygiene and should be used to raise carp. As the couple are nondrinkers, the wine cellar becomes an excellent place to raise mushrooms. The entertainment center and stunning chef’s kitchen should be rented out to the public for weddings, bar mitzvahs, Republican fund raising, or even a charter school should it still be homeless.
Finally, I wonder whether $9.95 million houses (with six-car garages and hot tubs big enough to hold eight Dr. Atkins followers or one juvenile elephant) are the only kind of “affordable homes” offered in the Hills’ future. If so, it’s time to forget all about “country living.” A new town slogan should be considered: “Where unreal estates become a reality.”
