By Judith S. Duque, LMFT

Q: Should I be concerned about our 16-year-old son who has totally

closed himself off from his father and me? He spends hours in his room with the door closed. If we ask him anything about his life, he mutters as he walks away, saying things like “What do you care? You’re never home anyway.” Sadly, the truth is, his dad works from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. While I don’t have a 9-to-5 job, I am a nonstop volunteer, with evening meetings as well as daytime commitments.

A: Yes, you should be concerned! But, first, you need to know that on the surface your son’s actions - not talking, muttering and closed bedroom doors - are pretty typical teen behaviors. The concern is your lifestyle, which leaves little or no room for your son. Your priorities appear to be in areas that do not include your son, and that is exactly what your son is telling you in his mutterings.

KEY: He is very clearly saying, “Your not being around tells me you don’t care about me, so I’m not going to tell you anything about me.” The underlying message is the scary one: He feels alone; he doesn’t believe you care. It’s easier for a teen to miss making a team or to get a failing grade than to feel alone or unloved. You know how traumatic the former is, so picture what the latter feels like for your son.

KEY: Assuming he has a computer in his room, do you know what games he’s playing or what chatrooms he’s in? Does he have a blog? The computer should be in a well-trafficked area of your home.

KEY: Please, don’t fall back on the words “Everything I do is for you.” Your child only sees that you’re not around, which negates your words of care.

KEY: Teens require on-the-spot responses from parents. Long gone are the days of simple answers - food, a nap, a hug. Teen problems are complex and need immediate input. Even when they don’t like the answers, teens want input.

KEY: Parents’ main job is for their faces to light up when their child walks into the room. When was the last time you smiled at your son?

An advertisement in the lost-and-found column of your local paper might read: “Lost: Two parents. Last seen headed to or from work or meetings for Save the Library, Save the Orchestra, Save the Bay, Save the Tree on Main Street, knitting class, book club, Boy Scouts, P.T.A. envelope stuffing, Feed and House the Homeless Committee, Birdhouses for the Drug-Free Zone, or Underground Utilities and/or Save the View Committee.

Come home! I need you too.

Love,

Your Son”

Judy Duque is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Mountain View. She can be reached at jsduque@pacbell.net or 941-1000.