By David MacKenzie
A few weeks ago our government increased our feelings of guilt when it announced new guidelines to make us all healthier: more exercise, fewer doughnuts, peeled grapes for dessert. It may be too early to tell lasting effects, but are the new guidelines being practiced by our local population?
To find out I dispatched members of my staff - mostly folk recently employed by Don Trump, but cheap - to cover various venues and report back to me.
ROADWAY: With at least 30 minutes a day exercising now recommended for a healthy body, residents have chosen walking. With inadequate walking trails, local roads have been overloaded with walkers causing traffic jams and flared tempers as SUVs and bikers try to maneuver through a mass of human legs. Even walkers have complained that 30 minutes hasn’t given them much exercise, perhaps moving no more than 15 yards every 10 minutes.
In the Hills, unconfirmed reports have deer ,using their antlers to cut a swath through the unwashed masses, as they try to cross over to greener flower beds on the other side of the road. Some human blood has been spilt.
SUPERMARKETS. Dramatic changes in eating habits are being reported. “Take vegetables” said one manager.” Whenever we get a new shipment of rutabagas or turnips, a fight breaks out among customers to grab one of those healthy, vitamin-rich morsels.”
Replacing the now forgotten lo carb craze manufacturers are making sugarless fat-free, salt-free concoctions that have little taste but meet the new guidelines.
Even cartons of Morton’s salt have had to be replaced due to expiration dates on the labels.
ALTERATIONS. My survey crew interviewed several owners of alteration and tailoring shops. One owner, who asked to remain anonymous (Bertha Klausner), said, “Everyone is losing weight, so they come in with dresses or pants that have to be down-sized. Business is fantastic!”
We asked her if this would be a good time to invest in alteration shops. No, she said. They are already overpriced. She suggested stock appreciation could be found in industries that manufacture pins, pin cushions and tailor’s chalk.
PRAYER BREAKFASTS. Restaurants favored as meeting spots for this peculiarly American form of exhibitionism have seen the day’s receipts plunge. Said one owner, “A normal order would be like two eggs over, a rasher of bacon and a short stack with whipped cream and berries on the top. Now, more likely, it’s a bowl of whole wheat cereal with nonfat milk.” Even the prayers have changed,” he continued. ” They used to be about the Boston Red Sox or the 49ers. Now it’s all about resisting temptation: Should I get a heated bear claw with a pad of butter or settle for half a grapefruit? These are real temptations they are battling.”
If you’d like to tell me how you are dealing with the new guidelines, forget about sending me any e-mail. I can be found often at the nearest bar drinking my favorite scotch - but now with a sprig of vitamin-rich broccoli on the rim.
