By Jean Hollands

Jean on the Job

Dear Attorney Friend: You can’t help it. You were taught to listen for loopholes or flaws. You got very good at it. You learned to be a debater, a master communicator. You were taught to put the other person on the defensive. Those are skills honed for a professional position. They have made you successful. They have put you in the driver’s seat.

We have a caveat. There are times when it is in your best interest not to listen that way. When you are in a crisis with a colleague, loved one or someone whom you really want to connect with, you may need some new ears and a different mouth. Your ears must listen for the other person’s intention, his meaning, his point of view, his pain.

There are occasions, in a professional setting, when you need this other form of listening - with your administrative assistants, law clerks, paralegals, children, spouse, neighbors, mother.

This means that you will want to echo back to the other person, in your own words, what you believe his main points were.

This does not indicate you agree with him. It only implies that you understand that if you lived in his shoes, you could feel that way.

Don’t worry. You will have your chance to give your side of the topic.

That’s where your mouth comes in. Speak the words that let the other person know you appreciate his point of view.

Don’t reply yet. Don’t give your answer. Do respond with words that let him know you are precisely aware of his predicament.

Don’t talk about your predicament yet. Your mouth needs to give the other person the assurance that you understand his issues even if you don’t agree with him or feel the way he does about any part of his drama. It goes something like this:

“Dave, I can see that you are really mad at me. You think I sabotaged the whole program, and you are disgusted with my part of this case. You are certainly disappointed.”

After you say this, Dave will relax and know that you have at least digested his point of view. He will be ready for your answer, your rebuttal, your point of view.

Reflective listening requires the following steps:

1. Know that your first response does not mean you agree. It means you heard the other’s point of view.

2. Put the other person’s perception into your own words. Do not parrot or say, “I hear you.”

3. Don’t deny the other person’s reality.

4. Don’t defend yourself or the situation.

5. Don’t jump to problem-solve.

6. Don’t distract into another issue.

7. Don’t apologize or try to fix.

Remember that this reflective listening is for personal conversations when you want to give the other person a chance for parity in the discussion.

Some attorneys may worry that you could exacerbate the problem if you let the other person vent. Not so.

Usually, if you listen and speak back carefully, you will actually save time and, of course, emotional energy by hearing his position first.

P.S. I love my attorney, my landlord attorney, all the attorneys in the Rotary, Chamber of Commerce, YMCA, San Jose State University Alumni, and anyone I may ever have to face as an adversary …

Jean A. Hollands, CEO, Growth & Leadership Center, author of the book “Same Game Different Rules - How to Get Ahead Without Being a Bully Broad, Ice Queen or ‘Ms. Understood’,” was voted Business Woman of the Year in 1986 and 1996. Write to GLC, 1451 Grant Road, Mountain View, CA 94040.