By Judith S. Duque

Compliments encourage good behavior in children

Q: Because both my son and daughter-in-law work, I am a very

involved grandmother, picking up the children from school as well as baby-sitting when the nanny is on her day off. There are two ongoing discussions in our family: How do we stop the 8-year-old from hitting his friends, and how can we find time together as a family?

A: If I find that hitting is the family’s way of dealing with anger or frustration, then the first change within the family would be to ban the physical violence. (Yes, hitting is a violent act.) When I hear about the hitting habit in young children and I determine that there is no hitter as a role model in the family, I have to wonder what this misbehavior is about. If the child continues to hit, despite everyone telling him that hitting is unacceptable behavior, the adults in his life are going to have to change their approach to the problem.

Key: Since misbehaviors are the result of a child not feeling as if he belongs or is accepted by his family (or group), the adults have to find a way to pay attention to this child when the child is being good.

Key: Parents, create win-win situations. Catch your child being good and comment on what you see. The little things matter: sitting quietly in the car, walking in the house, showing kindness to a sibling, brushing teeth, tasting a new food, etc.

Key: Parents teach more with their body language than with their words.

Key: The truth is, the only behavior you can change is your own.

As to the second part of the question, do you know that no one has ever found time? People find a bargain, money, things, a new restaurant, a new house, a lost pet, but no one ever finds time. Everyone has to make time. So, how can you make time for family?

Key: Look at the schedule for the week. Make a window of time.

Key: By far the easiest and most popular family time these days is the Friday night pizza-video-popcorn on the rug. Rotate the job of picking out the video, so everyone has a chance to participate - and thus feel a sense of belonging.

An aside: The above is a true situation. There has already been a dramatic turnaround in the behavior of the 8-year-old. The key, according to the adults, is that they changed their behaviors from relentless reprimanding to noticing and acknowledging the good behaviors of their child. They also instituted a family night. Spending time with their child sent the very clear message, “You are important to us.”