By Clyde Noel

Taking your wine rack to heaven with this unique option

Looking for a special piece of furniture that will last a lifetime or longer? A piece you wouldn’t be caught dead without?

The Down To Earth Coffin Company has the answer. They build coffins that can be used as furniture until such time as they are needed.

If you have space in the middle of your living room that needs filling, consider some of Bill Hale’s creative ideas. He’s the owner of the New Hampshire casket company that sells coffins that can double as a coffee table, gun rack, bookcase or wine rack.

It could make a great conversation starter. When people visit you they might comment, “I didn’t know Spangler’s Mortuary sold furniture.”

These coffins can be ordered with adjustable shelves to make a bookcase, an upright gun rack or a 24-bottle wine rack. If you ordered the wine rack you could age your wine, and if you enjoyed the vintner’s zinfandel, you could take it with you.

Coffins generally reflect the unique personality of the life being celebrated. The idea originated in ancient Egypt, when pharaohs used to be buried with their household goods. Several of their favorite things were also buried at the same time, which was bad news for their dog and sometimes the upstairs maid.

The unique “furniture” coffin can be set against the wall, as in a wine rack or bookcase, or used flat as a coffee table. It can even be lined with feathers or goose down so the person can sleep in his or her coffin. Since most people die in bed, an arrangement of this sort could help streamline preparations and save the family time.

Having the coffin in your house and throwing a big party while you drink your wine in your casket could lead to interesting conversation.

“He looks so healthy lying there.”

“He should look healthy. He isn’t dead yet.”

One is tempted to imagine a designer sitting down with the casket maker and saying, “Make sure these caskets will keep out air, water and other elements.” But I have different ideas.

Since the average cost of a funeral in the United States is $4,500, I want to have some say in what I’d like for my coffin.

I want a built-in periscope and cell phone in case I forget something. And a tanning lamp because most dead people I’ve seen look awful. Also a goose-down liner in a soothing color for comfort.

Any bottles of zinfandel remaining should be included in the casket. I’ll enjoy it while I read all those books I never had time to peruse. Naturally, I want double-hinged doors in case a tragic mistake was made.

Finally, I want a subscription to the Town Crier to read the obits and see who’s moving into the neighborhood.

The worst-case scenario is that you die and your wife says, “I’ve really grown fond of that bookcase,” and they bury you in a gunnysack.

For more information on these “furniture” ideas, contact The Down To Earth Coffin Company, 338 Tyler Road, Webster, NH 03303.

Clyde Noel is a longtime contributor to the Town Crier. His column runs periodically.