By Judy Duque
Keys to Parenting
Q: Not long ago, at a multigenerational party, I overheard a parent berating her child in the ugliest tone of voice. It was so awful in tone and verbal content that I, as an adult who was not even the object of the attack, felt sick to my stomach and started shaking. Anger does that to me. When I turned around, I felt even worse as my eyes dropped to this little 6-year-old who was standing absolutely paralyzed under the assault of words outlining his stupidity and clumsiness. However, the worst was yet to come. I saw that all the angry, ugly words coming out of the mother’s mouth were accompanied by a smile! My question is, am I crazy to think this child was getting some kind of mixed message - I mean, anger linked with a smile?
A: You are definitely not crazy. You witnessed the classic mixed message: the message where the recipient doesn’t know what to believe about what is being said because the body language, tone and words don’t match the facial expression (in this case, a smile).
The parental rationale has always been that a smile lessens the anger of the parent so that the parent need not feel bad. The reality is that the parent is misinformed about what is good for the child and is hiding behind a front - often because the parent wants to be seen as a “good guy.” Well, how “adult” is that?
If the child is misbehaving, let the child know, in a respectful manner, that you are angry. One of the many responsibilities of parenting is modeling honest and true emotions. If the child doesn’t see and hear a congruent message, where the body language, tone of voice and words are in sync, the child feels confused.
When a child is in a state of confusion, he or she is absolutely unable to respond to the parent in any sane manner because everything in his/her childish head is an emotional jumble of conflicting thoughts: “My mother seems mad at me. Yet she is smiling at me. Did I do something wrong? Or is she saying ‘I love you’? Her words, body language and tone of voice say I did something wrong. Yet she is smiling at me. Maybe I’m not bad. Maybe I’m only a little bit bad or a little bit good. Oh well, … why did she just shake me? Oh, she said I wasn’t paying attention.” (How could a child pay attention during this verbal attack?)
Now, most of these thoughts will never be articulated because this child is so scared he/she can’t think straight. When a person is scared, clear thinking takes a back seat to the emotional state. In real life, you may have noticed that when a child is being yelled at, the misbehaviors often escalate; the simple reason is that the child is too scared and/or confused by the avalanche of angry words to be able to respond any other way.
KEY: Parents who combine a smile with angry feelings and words often do so unconsciously.
KEY: Parents who parent with mixed messages are often the product of the same parenting style.
KEY: Many of us are afraid of the anger emotion. Because of this fear, some of us try to hide the anger or dilute it with a smile.
KEY: Stand in front of the mirror. Put a smile on your face. Then, in your angriest, nastiest tone of voice, tell yourself how stupid and clumsy you were today. Then, ask yourself, “Do I feel loved? Valued? Confused?” Does a smile belong with angry words?
KEY: Finally, ask yourself, “Do I need to think of better ways to communicate with my child?” If not, carry on as you were.
Judy Duque is a licensed marriage, family therapist in private practice in Mountain View. She may be reached at jsduque@pacbell.net or 941-1000.
