By Bruce Barton

“How many times have I told you?” “Clean up this mess now!” “I’m talking to you, young man!” “Do it now or no TV for a week!”

Parents the world over are familiar with such exclamations that exhibit the frustration and anger too often a part of parenting.

Welcome to the power struggle between child and parent, a war that can only be won when the parent decides to change his or her behavior instead of trying to change the child’s.

So said parent-educator Cynthia Klein during a Dec. 6 lecture, “Power Struggles & Anger: Understanding and Managing,” held at Springer School in Mountain View.

Klein, who counsels at the Children’s Health Council in Palo Alto, acknowledged that parenting is difficult. “They really can push our buttons,” she told the assembled moms and dads. “It doesn’t get easier as they get older.”

However, she said parents can break the cycle of negative behavior by simply listening and acknowledging their children’s needs.

Klein, a former elementary school teacher with a bachelor’s degree in child psychology, outlined five goals of behavior for all of us: contact, a need for belonging; power, a need to control one’s life; protection; withdrawal, a need for time alone; and challenge.

“A misbehaving child is not a brat,” Klein said. “They haven’t been taught how to get these goals in a positive way.”

Klein asked parents for “major brain shifting tonight.” She said that in order for parents to get cooperation from their children, “each person should get power in the relationship.”

Instead of attempting to control and eliciting a rebellious response, “think in terms of, ‘How do I lead my children, guide them?’” Klein said.

For instance, if a child refuses to get out of bed in the morning, be calm and gentle in your body language and approach, Klein suggested. “It seems like you’re having a hard time getting out of bed,” Klein said, role-playing the parent. “How can I help you?”

Don’t expect change overnight, Klein said. “They’re not going to like it and they’re going to try to make you the way you were,” she said.

Klein herself struggled with her only daughter, who, as a sixth-grader, “hated” her mom. But Klein changed her approach. “I had to make a major mental shift,” she said. “She now loves me and as a 13-year-old, which is a major accomplishment.”

Noting that we react to events with a “think, feel, do” cycle, Klein noted the critical part of reacting to an event is how we think about it.

“You have to change the way you think about this power struggle,” she said. “If you change your thinking, you will feel and act differently which will affect the way they think.”

When asked by one audience member about the effectiveness of cause and effect, Klein agreed the tool was useful in many cases. For instance, if a child is typically slow getting shoes on for school, the consequence is being late for school. “I would let the child be late for school,” she said. “That’s their choice.

“Consequences can be helpful and educational,” Klein said. “But let’s work together (as parents and children) to solve the problem.”

Allowing children a choice in the matter gives them the power they want, she said. For instance, posing the question, “When would you like to clean up this room?” instead of demanding it, allows an opportunity to “gain connection” with the child.

However, striking a balance between a “dictator” and a “doormat” role may be the best approach, Klein said. Allow your child to choose a time for cleaning up, but be firm about having him keep his commitment, she said.

Klein said responsibility is very much an adult quality that occurs “if a person values something. There needs to be continual incentive and they will gradually develop it.” In the meantime, it’s: “You don’t get to do that until you do this.”

She acknowledged that no one is perfect when it comes to parenting. “Anger is an umbrella,” she said, covering frustration, stress and fatigue. “Know that about yourself. ‘I am feeling …’ is very helpful for them because the next step is (connecting) with their feelings,” Klein said.

“If you do lose it, it’s OK to say you’re sorry,” she said.

Klein is available for individual, school or company presentations. For more information, call the Children’s Health Council at 688-3608 or logon to: www.chconline.org.