By Judith Duque

Keys to Parenting

Q. What have I done wrong? I feel as if I’m losing control of my 6- and 3-year-olds. Somewhere along the line, I began to bribe the children with a toy or special treat when their public behavior became uncontrollable. Now I find they won’t listen to me at all when I discipline. Am I in as much trouble as I think I am?

A. This is a good news/bad news situation. First of all, the good news. They are young enough for your return to adult status and “in-control-of-the-home-front” self that their behaviors will be changed relatively quickly. It is helpful to remember that a little bribe at 6 becomes a big bribe, as in “I’ll do it when you get me my car” at 16.

The easiest way to confront unacceptable behaviors is to decide how you’ll handle yourself when they misbehave. Use the market as an example. What I suggest you do is mentally rehearse how to respond to the unacceptable behavior. One response is to quickly push the cart to the front of the store, tell the checker you’ll be back and walk out with your child.

KEY: Tell your child that you’re changing the game plan. From now on, you will ask him to stop. If he doesn’t, then you say, “I see by your not stopping this behavior, you have chosen to leave.” Wheel the cart to the door or car and - this is important - move quickly.

KEY: I recommend setting the scene beforehand with managers, teachers, family and friends. You’ll probably be pleasantly surprised by their response.

KEY: You love your children; however, the world does not see their lovable qualities when they are misbehaving.

KEY: This is the bad news. The very real sadness of bribing a child into good behavior is the underlying message: “You are not capable of decent behavior, so I have to bribe you.” In a very short time, the parent is heard complaining when the child says, “I can’t do it.” Well, guess who sent the very subtle message that their child was incompetent?

KEY: Expect good behavior and that’s what you’ll get. “You can do it!”

Judith Duque’s column appears in the Town Crier’s Health section the third week of every month. A licensed marriage and family therapist, she may be reached at jsduque@pacbell.net or 941-1000.