By Judith Duque

Keys to Parenting

Q. Just how important are my communication skills with my children? I have been criticized for having some dictator-like qualities. I parent like my parents: what the parent says is the rule and there is no discussion or back talk from the kids! We all turned out all right.

A. Your communication style, that of giving orders (authoritarian) is as outdated as the giving in (permissive) style. The parenting style today is called giving choices (democratic). Children today must learn from an early age how to make choices as they will be faced with so many dangerous ones. When your children grow into adolescence, think about what they will be faced with … and remember you had fewer choices and lots of adults to be accountable to. That’s not so today. Today’s society is on the move and is neither as kind nor as safe. It is for those reasons parents must arm their children through learning experiences. Allow children the opportunity to experience the consequences of making choices.

KEY: Making choices begins with giving a 2-year-old child the opportunity of choosing between red or blue socks or something like milk or juice. The key is that the parent is okay with either choice. An example: “You may have milk or juice with dinner. Which do you choose?” Another example: “You may choose any T-shirt under $12.”

KEY: Today’s children respond best to a democratic style of parenting, which is based on respect.

KEY: Limit-setting, making choices and experiencing consequences are the foundation for a thinking child who becomes a thinking adult.

KEY: Authoritarian parents often have rebellious children who grow up to parent permissively. Children of permissive parents can become authoritarian parents because they wished they had some limits growing up. Limits provide a sense of security for children.

Q. I’m trying to understand why my parents are so much kinder, wiser and nurturing with their grandchildren than they were with me and my siblings.

A. This is a subject of great interest to many grandparents. We grandparents talk with wonder about this because we see what you see … that we are kinder, gentler and more relaxed as grandparents. I think the difference is … we have all the joy and time to feel and express undiluted and truly nonjudgmental love. Unlike the parents, we’re not overwhelmed with the responsibility and worry of raising a child in today’s world.

KEY: To the grandparent: let the parents parent. You laugh and roll on the floor with the grandkids.

KEY: To the parent: let the grandparents spoil them.

KEY: To the grandparent: take the grandkids for an evening or overnight. Let the parents experience the consequences of a night off from responsibility and worry … a visit to their fun-loving selves!

Judith Duque’s column appears in the Town Crier’s Health section the third week of every month.

A licensed marriage and family therapist, she may be reached at jsduque@pacbell.net or 941-1000 with your questions and thoughts.