By Mary Cristy

A View from the Hills

Emotion and emotionalism? What do the words conjure up for you? Instability/ Weakness? Excessiveness, or even mental aberration?

A little bit of each, if one observes our society, in which violence, sexual excess and tasteless black humor are often viewed with less aversion than sickness and grief.

“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone,” we’re advised. “All the world loves a lover” and “Let a smile be your umbrella,” Talk “happy talk” or remain silent. “Think positive!” or keep your “negativity” well hidden.

The paradox of our culture is open-handedness, and generosity to sufferers … provided they are sufficiently removed from us not to disturb the even rhythm of our lives.

We believe that the blessed souls that mourn shall be comforted, but not if they persist in appearing at our front doors or intrude on our consciousness with any degree of regularity.

‘I don’t want to get involved” has become a “watchword” for those of us who see the need and back off, leaving it for another to fill.

Thus we have too many crying alone, living their “lives of quiet desperation,” flailing in the quicksands of grief with no hope of rescue, since to admit their need for succor is socially unacceptable.

Those who dare to reveal their pain are all too often rebuffed with insensitivity and inappropriate responses.

A widower fresh from a grief group meeting where he was encouraged to “reach out,” spoke feelingly to an acquaintance of the loss of his wife, and the loneliness of life without her, only to be told, “Don’t carry on so. You’ll lose all your friends.”

A mother whose stillborn child liived on in her heart and memory, was consoled with the words, “You’re young … You’ll have more children.” True, possibly, but not what she needed, which was to have her pain acknowledged.

A widow was rebuffed with, “Nobody wants to hear about your husband.”

Insensitivity manifests in other situations, as well. Fishing for “gory details” of a confinement or operation, probing for bits of gossip, making ill-conceived assumptions about public figures or private ones can leave us seriously off-base and out of touch with the truth.

The warmest response to tragedy is the touch of a hand, or outstretched arms in which the sorrower is enfolded.

Words are superfluous, but may help if they are heartfelt and sincere, but “I’m sorry” is a most appropriate response to the initial shock of loss.

Later, there will be other opportunities for sense and sensitivity, since, for most creatures, the road of grief is a long, hard path to follow and there will be many opportunities along the way to show we care.

The truly blessed are those with a warm circle of caring friends, whose understanding has provided gentle encouragement, and support gratefully received and long remembered.

Many of us have been fortunate to count such good people among the dearest ones we know. They are the angels God sends when it seems all is lost.

Cristy, a Los Altos Hills resident, has been writing for the Town Crier for more than 40 years. Her column is published the first week of the month.