By David MacKenzie
Commentary
A relative if mine (name withheld to thwart the long arm of the law) passed along a couple of pages listing interesting laws on the books of several states and local municipalities. This compilation was most likely a product of the Web, a communication means increasingly popular with folk who have nothing better to do than to surf it. I, too, have nothing better to do. But the Web and its reliance on all those Silicon Valley products is beyond my ken. I’m having enough trouble working on my new rotary dial telephone.
The laws listed may be of interest to readers, especially if they travel out of state. For example, are you ladies aware that in Montana, it is illegal for a married woman to go fishing alone on Sunday or for unmarried women to fish alone on any day of the week? I thought not. Forget that trophy fish. Imagine how the head of that seven-point buck you shot would look in the formal banquet hall.
Some other laws you might note to keep you from posting bail or being away from loved ones longer than anticipated:
Arkansas State laws: Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
California State law: It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle unless the prey is a whale.
City of Burlingame: It is illegal to spit in public unless it is on a baseball diamond.
Town of Carmel: Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Law repealed when Clint Eastwood became mayor.)
City of Ontario: Roosters may not crow in the city limits unless on a leash.
It’s said that all publicity is good publicity. Los Altos got some over the leaf blower controversy. But not much. We can do better passing a few interesting and novel laws to gain headlines and possibly increase real estate values.
Some modest suggestions.
Gondoliers are forbidden to sing Italian arias after 9 p.m. while plying the waterways of Adobe Creek.
Oracle CEO Larry Ellison will not be permitted to enter Los Altos after 9 p.m. or before 5 a.m., whether or not in his own plane.
To uphold the village/town/city reputation as high class, people on downtown/village/city streets carrying shopping bags with logos from K-mart, WalMart or Costco will be arrested as vagrants.
People living in two-story homes may not use binoculars to peer into one-story neighbors’ backyards unless bird watching.
Households who have used now defunct Webvan will be required to take a refresher course (Grocery Shopping 101) at Foothill College. Subjects covered: opening plastic bags in the vegetable department; fruit squeezing no-nos; and shopping cart etiquette.
Driving instruction will be required of all SUV owners who take longer than 10 minutes to exit the First Street post office parking lot.
Until next time … wait. I’ve just been handed a note from this paper’s management announcing a new regulation: Henceforth, anyone writing a column or op-ed piece must first pass a mental competency test administered by a local shrink. I’m supposed to see him or her next Tuesday.
Dave MacKenzie is co-founder of the Town Crier and a Los Altos Hills resident.
