By Judith S. Duque

Keys to Parenting

Q. My son, age 4, withdraws into himself when he’s surrounded by his preschool classmates or by family at large gatherings. The immediate environment appears to overwhelm him. It’s almost as if he has an internal switch that blocks out the environment; often his concentration becomes so inwardly intense that his arms and legs burst into a kind of frenzied movement. He seems to be unaware of anybody or anything at that moment. He has no concept of his space or that of those around him.

Perhaps a little background will help. My wife and I had an unhappy marriage from day one, which deteriorated into a bitter, nasty separation and divorce with him at the center. There was no way that my wife was going to let me have my son, because, in her words, I was a “rotten person, incapable of any good!” In spite of her attitude, I recognize the need for a child to have a mother and a father, which is why I fought to have equal rights.

Should I be worried about my son’s coping skills of withdrawing into himself?

A. After a medical checkup to rule out any physical causes, let’s look at the atmosphere he’s been living in during his first four years of life. Parents unhappy with each other send messages of dislike, delivered silently or loudly. Slammed phones, rigid facial expressions, angry exchanges characterize the emotional climate in the home. This child has no defenses against the mad world his parents have created for him, a world of chaotic emotional roller-coaster rides. He has had to take some very good defensive action, act out or shut down. From your description, it is apparent he has chosen to shut down. Surprisingly enough, acting-out behavior is easier to deal with than shutting down. His shutting-down defense does not bode well for him now or in the future. You have problems and they need to be addressed now. You do recognize that withdrawing from their environment is what has led some of our teens into some pretty scary acting out in the last few years. Get cracking, Dad, and get your kid some help now.

Q. Do you think parents teach irresponsibility?

A. Yes, I do believe parents teach irresponsibility when they don’t let their children experience consequences for their misbehaviors.

Judith S. Duque, a licensed marriage and family therapist may be reached at jsduque@pacbell.net or 941-1000.