By David MacKenzie

Commentary

With a name like King Lear, the Los Altos mayor must feel that his role in life is not complete without a bit of tragedy.

Let’s hope it’s something harmless like not getting a motion picture theater in town. That would be a lot less tragic than, say, his getting 20 feet from the top of Mt. Everest and having to turn back because of an ingrown toenail.

Not reading the Wall Street Journal, I’m financially challenged but somewhere I read (possibly the Poultymans Digest) that motion picture theaters were going bankrupt faster than local dot-coms. And those remaining only make money when they treated viewers to violence or sex, the sort of fare all good Los Altos parents would enjoy seeing along with their kiddies.

It’s been suggested that the culture climate around here would prefer a small theater that showed only foreign films. Difficult to catch because after two or three nights, the seats are empty. Besides, foreign films often have more sex scenes that our own and the language can be just as vulgar.

Still, a four-letter word in French, Spanish or Italian sounds much more cultured.

And rolling blackouts. What happens if the film goes dark just as Arnold Schwarzenegger, playing the title role in a German film “Der Schweinehund,” is about to execute 10 captured Americans with a single bullet to each head?

Will pandemonium break out as the audience stampedes to get home before the criminal element (obviously out-of-towners) ransack their homes, grabbing Cartier jewels, Neiman Marcus furs and paintings by Thomas Kinkade?

Not a pretty scene. (For film buffs, here’s how the film ends: Schwarzenegger does his duty, kills our boys. For his role, he’s awarded a special Marksmanship Award at the next Oscars. It’s donated by the American Rifle Association and the presenter, naturally, is Charlton Heston wearing a lame outfit in the style of Daniel Boone.)

Where was I?

Oh yes, First and Main. I’ve lived in this town for many a decade and made innumerable suggestions for improving the place. None have been accepted.

May I try just once more? Thanks. You are truly generous.

This is it. It seems that plans call for two local health spas to be replaced. And there is the energy crunch. Why not kill two birds with … hold it, Audubon members, I’ll change that to: Why not kill two gophers with one Los Altos apricot pit by building a health spa at First and Main?

It will be city-owned and filled completely with exercise machines (stair-steppers, treadmills, bikes), all connected to the energy grid.

Fantastic. No theater. Instead, a place where junk food kids, daytime TV-watching mothers and beer belly dads can turn unwanted fat into today’s most precious commodity: electricity.

The place will be open to all, free, with T-shirts awarded to those who are regular users. Lettering: “Lighten Up.”

Many theaters in the old days were named “The Palace.” So, as a consolation award, let’s name the structure, “The Palace of King Lear.”

Dave MacKenzie is co-founder of the Town Crier and a Los Altos Hills resident.