By Judith S. Duque, LMFT

Question: I am having a terrible time talking to my son’s teacher. She doesn’t seem to understand what I want to hear from her; and, she doesn’t appear to like or respect my son. Can you give me some guidelines for talking to teachers?

Answer: Parents talking to teachers and, conversely, teachers talking to parents can be one of the most frustrating, demoralizing, embarrassing and maddening encounters there is. It is only in retrospect that I can see what needs to be done. My suggested guidelines are as follows:

1. Attitude is KEY. Approach the teacher as a partner in helping your child be a winner in the classroom. In other words, seek the teacher’s knowledge and input about your child. This means to leave the feeling that your kid is the best, brightest, handsomest, most lovable child in the world outside the classroom. You are going on a fact-finding mission. Feelings have to be set aside, so that you can hear what the teacher has to say. A good teacher will respond to your overtures of “let’s work together,” which will find you working with a partner who has your son’s best interests at heart, just as you do.

Now, suppose you really do have a teacher who should have retired five years ago. The key here is that you have learned something very valuable for your dealings with both your son and his teacher. I think that it is very important to acknowledge your son’s observations and complaints about an unfair, disrespectful teacher. However, the teacher is the adult in his classroom life and deserves his respect. The key is to convey that he has had his first (I hope) experience with a rude person and that there will always be rude, disrespectful people in his life, as there are in yours. The lesson is for him to learn how to deal with such people. This can be an ongoing topic of conversation in your family, as you listen to him, encourage him and support him. You will, of course, become more active in the school, so that you can have some say in his future teachers.

2. A goal is KEY. Keep the goal of “my job as a parent is to support my child” at the fore, as you approach the teacher. Emotional words, such as “I am very worried/concerned about my child’s place in the classroom” are OK. Angry, attacking, or belittling statements about the teacher’s ability will put the teacher in a defensive position. The two of you will then be in a power struggle which will escalate unless you pull back.

3. Love is KEY. No one loves your child more than you do. For the teacher, he’s just a kid in the classroom among many. Demonstrate your maternal love by modeling respect for the teacher, your son and yourself. As the mom, you have more power than you can imagine.

Duque, a marriage, family therapist, teaches parenting. E-mail questions to jsduque@pacbell.net.